


with urgency but not with haste

by tattooedsiren



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Hospitals, M/M, Pining, Snow, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 13:19:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8846596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tattooedsiren/pseuds/tattooedsiren
Summary: The hallways are empty. Quiet. Which they probably should be, given that it’s nearly three in the morning. But still, Harvey can’t help but think that there should be more activity, more noise. Mike is lying in that hospital bed fighting for his life yet the world around them is utterly still. Shouldn’t it matter, that Mike is asleep and might never wake up? Shouldn’t the fact that Harvey’s world is falling down around him come with more commotion?





	1. December never felt so wrong

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marveylous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marveylous/gifts).



> Merry Christmas Bianca! I hope you like your gift. While I chose to write one of your wishes (specifically wish #2) I tried to sneak in references to your other two wishes in there. :)
> 
> Thanks to K for the beta. All mistakes are most definitely mine.
> 
> ETA: Please don't put my fics on goodreads. If I find out this has happened again I'll need to consider locking my fics.

The hallways are empty. Quiet.

Which they probably should be, given that it’s nearly three in the morning. But still, Harvey can’t help but think that there should be more activity, more noise. Mike is lying in that hospital bed fighting for his life yet the world around them is utterly still. Shouldn’t it matter, that Mike is asleep and might never wake up? Shouldn’t the fact that Harvey’s world is falling down around him come with more commotion?

Harvey feels useless. For the first time in his life there is _nothing to_ _do_. He can’t yell at someone long and loud enough to fix this. He can’t threaten or cajole or bribe. No amount of hitting the library and digging through thousands of pages of reference books will change the outcome. Being a lawyer and having enough money to run a small nation doesn’t make one iota of difference.

Mike is still asleep. And he might not wake up.

He can’t even be angry at Mike. Okay, that’s a lie, he is angry at Mike for getting himself hurt. But he did it to save a young girl, to get her out of harm’s way, and he wouldn’t be Mike if he didn’t put others before himself. Still, Harvey can’t help but wish that for once, just this one time, Mike had been selfish. Because being selfish would’ve kept him safe.

“You should go in,” a warm and gentle voice says, and Harvey looks up to the kind face of a young nurse. He tips his head to Mike’s room and says it again. “You should go in.”

“I can’t. I’m not…”

Family. Harvey wasn’t family, not in any way that was recognized at least. He’d gotten to the hospital as fast as he could, breaking several traffic laws as he crossed Manhattan to New York-Presbyterian, running through the too crowded halls until he found someone who knew about Mike. And when he’d gotten there the first question the doctor had was _are you family?_ And he was, fuck, Mike was his family and to hell with anyone who tried to say differently, but he wasn’t a blood relation, and Mike’s fiancé was out of town, and when he said as much, the doctor wouldn’t tell him anything. Harvey had yelled, had demanded to see Mike, but she wouldn’t budge. Finally, desperately grasping at straws, he told her to check Mike’s phone. Harvey would be in there. He’d be the second most dialed number, after Rachel of course. The doctor must’ve finally taken pity on him, because she let out a sigh and told him to wait there. He had paced the room for nearly half an hour before she came back. _You weren’t the second most dialed number,_ she had told him, and Harvey was too shocked to even try and start thinking of a change of tack, but then she continued with _you were the first. Come on, I’ll show you to Mike’s room._

She had taken him upstairs, Harvey’s heart thudding the whole time, listening as she told him about Mike’s injuries and prognosis. He knew he should be paying attention, that Rachel would want to know everything, that when she arrived from California she’d need to be reassured, but he couldn’t do it. The fear had taken over and his brain was nothing but white noise. Nothing could break through.

Finally they made it to Mike’s room. Harvey stood out in the hallway, looking through the window to see Mike’s prone form, and it was like he stopped breathing.

That was seven hours ago. Harvey hasn’t moved from this spot since.

“I’m not family,” Harvey says, and the nurse smiles at him.

“You’re standing outside his room at three in the morning. You’re his family,” he says, and he squeezes Harvey’s arm briefly before walking away.

Harvey returns his attention to Mike, and after taking in a deep breath, he walks into the room.

The rhythmic sounds of the machines surrounding the head of Mike’s bed is the first thing Harvey notices. He approaches gingerly, scared of how Mike will look without the aid of distance and a slightly smudgy window, so worried that Mike is going to look much worse up close. There’s a lone chair beside the bed, so for now Harvey focuses on that, just concentrates on crossing the room and passing Mike’s still body.

When he collapses into the chair he takes one more deep breath before raising his eyes. He lets out an unbidden noise of anguish when he finally sets sight on Mike. He does look worse up close, though a distant corner of his mind is protesting that the difference isn’t as bad as he feared. There isn’t anything new that he couldn’t see from the window, it’s just that up close the bruises look darker, the cuts deeper.

“ _Mike_ ,” Harvey says, and his voice, though hoarse, still sounds loud in the quiet of the room.

There isn’t a reply, and even though Harvey obviously wasn’t expecting one the lack of response still hurts. He lets his eyes roam over Mike’s body, mentally cataloging every injury for when he goes after the bastard who did this. When Harvey looks at Mike’s face he, somehow, appears peaceful. His face is banged up but his expression is completely at ease. Harvey can’t work out if that’s a good thing or not, if it would be better if he was twisted up in pain because at least that meant he was conscious enough to feel it.

He shakes his head, immediately feeling guilty for wishing Mike was in more pain.

Harvey doesn’t know how to do this. He’s never felt more powerless. It’s the uncertainty and waiting that gets him the most. Mike could wake up any second now, or he could be unconscious for days, or, god forbid, the damage could be worse than they knew and he might never wake up. But he can’t think about that now. It’s not that he believes in the power of positive thinking or anything, he just cannot even comprehend a world without Mike in it. He refuses to believe Mike won’t wake up. It simply can’t happen.

Mike is going to wake up.

When looking at Mike starts to hurt too much Harvey lets his gaze wander around the hospital room. It’s completely stark and sterile but for a single wreath on the wall. Harvey can’t believe that this has happened now. Christmas - both Mike and Harvey’s favorite holiday - is only a few weeks away, and the city is overcome with good will and holiday cheer, and Harvey is sitting alone in this hospital room as Mike fights for his life.

He loses all sense of time, so it could be anywhere from several minutes to an hour later when the same nurse as before quietly enters the room. He gives Harvey a wan smile, which Harvey doesn’t have it in him to return, and he looks over Mike’s vitals, scribbling some notes on his chart.

“Talk to him,” the nurse suggests. “It helps.”

“It helps me or Mike?”

The nurse smiles. “Both.”

“He can’t really hear me though, right? That’s just something they made up for dramatic twists in movies and tv shows, isn’t it?”

“You mean, will he hear and remember what you’ve said? Unlikely. But studies have shown that coma patients who have loved ones speak to them have come out of them sooner. So, what’s the harm in trying, right?”

And then with one last smile the nurse disappears as quietly as he arrived.

Harvey takes a deep breath and leans forward in his chair.

“Hey,” Harvey says softly. He feels stupid, talking to Mike when Mike can’t hear him, but he’s willing to try anything to wake Mike up. Maybe he should suggest to Rachel when she gets here that she kiss him and wake him with true love’s kiss. “Sorry it took me so long to come in, but truth be told since I’m not family I’m really not supposed to be here at all.” He lets out a short laugh. “I did think about pretending to be your fiancé like in that ridiculous movie you insist on watching every holiday, but I didn’t think they’d believe me.”

Of course there’s no movement from Mike, so Harvey says, “And now is the part where you wake up and say _well how exactly do you know that While You Were Sleeping is ridiculous since you keep telling me you’ve never seen it. And, in fact, for your mind to go straight to that movie tells me that you liked it more than you’ll admit_.” After a beat Harvey admits, “I did like it. I watched it last year, after you told me you watch it every Christmas. It was actually really great. I was going to ask you if you wanted to watch it together this year, but I figured you’d probably be watching it with Rachel so I didn’t bother.”

And now all Harvey can think about is how stupid he’d been to hesitate, that Mike might never come back from this, and he whispers, “I wish I had.”

Harvey collapses back into his chair, rubbing at his face. He doesn’t know what to say. Mike’s always been the one to fill a silence, and he’s never missed Mike’s loquacious nature as much as he does now. If their positions were reversed Harvey has no doubt that Mike would talk his ear off so much that Harvey would wake up just to tell Mike to shut up.

A ghost of a smile crosses his face at that thought.

He doesn’t think what he’s saying is all that important, it’s more that Mike hears his voice, so he does consider just getting on his phone and finding some random articles to read to Mike. But that feels even sillier than just rambling incoherently, so Harvey tells Mike about the case he’s working on, about the last email he got from Jessica, about how he’s supposed to be visiting Marcus and his family for Christmas...

It’s near dawn, Harvey’s voice hoarse from talking, when Mike’s machines start sounding in alarm and a doctor comes rushing into the room. Harvey stands, utterly terrified, backing out of the way as he asks, “What’s happening?”

The doctor ignores him, just focuses on reading the machine’s data and yelling out to the two nurses who enter the room for some medication Harvey doesn’t recognize, probably couldn’t even pronounce. There’s a horrifying moment where Mike’s heart stops beating, and the sound of a flat line on the heart monitor is the worst sound he’s ever heard in his entire life. Harvey can’t keep up with what the doctor and nurses are saying, but they move quickly and administer medication and place paddles to Mike’s chest and … and … the heart monitor starts beeping again and Harvey can finally breathe again. The medical staff keep talking and taking notes and one of them sees Harvey and gives him comforting words but Harvey can’t bear to take his eyes away from Mike. Finally the doctor squeezes his shoulder and they all silently file out of the room.

Harvey collapses into his chair, his body aching as though he’d just run a marathon. His heart's still pounding against his ribs and he doesn’t know how he’ll get through this. He doesn’t remember ever feeling this scared.

Before he can talk himself out of it he reaches out a trembling hand and slides his palm beneath Mike’s. The rush of relief Harvey feels at the tangible touch surprises even him. He curls his fingers around Mike’s hand and tries to concentrate on that connection, on the knowledge that Mike is here and he’s still breathing and it’s not over yet.

“Please, Mike,” Harvey says, unashamedly begging him. “Please, please wake up. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved and I can’t do this without you. Please. Stay with me.”

He looks back and forth between Mike’s face and their joined hands, desperate for some kind of sign and devastated when he doesn’t get one. He swipes at his face and the tear just under his eye before collapsing forward and resting his head on the edge of Mike’s bed, just beside their clasped hands.

He stays like that for hours, but despite his exhaustion he doesn’t sleep. He can’t, not when he’s so utterly terrified of waking up to find Mike gone.

Rachel arrives not long after dawn. Harvey lifts his head from the bed to see Rachel entering the room, dragging her suitcase behind her. Harvey subtly pulls his hand away from Mike’s and stands to greet her, unprepared for the way she launches herself at him, her cries loud in the quiet of the room. Harvey pats her back awkwardly for a moment before she straightens, stepping back and wiping the tears from her face.

“What happened?” Rachel asks, even though Harvey is pretty sure she already knows.

“He was walking home from work and…” Harvey can’t say the words, refuses to say _Mike_ and _drunk driver_ in the same sentence. It was like a cruel joke after the death of his parents, and in case Mike was listening - not that Harvey really thought he was - but just in case he didn’t want to say it. “There was an out of control car. It would’ve hit a little girl but Mike pushed her out of the way. He was struck, hard, thrown into a brick wall. Did the doctor fill you in on his injuries?”

Rachel shakes her head, her eyes glued to Mike’s form.

“I’ll go get her for you.”

Rachel nods absently, but when Harvey starts to move past her Rachel reaches out and grabs his arm. “Is the little girl okay?”

“Yeah,” Harvey says with a weak smile. “She and her mother were a bit shaken up, but she’s fine.”

“Good,” Rachel says, and then she lets go.

Harvey heads out to the nurse’s station and asks that Mike’s doctor - Harvey can’t even remember her name - go in and see Rachel as soon as she’s available. Harvey doesn’t immediately return to the hospital room, figuring Rachel would appreciate some alone time with him. So he wanders the corridors aimlessly, flips through a magazine he finds in a waiting room, checks his emails on his phone even though he doesn’t take in a word of what he’s reading. Every minute away from Mike hurts.

When he’s been away as long as he’s able to withstand he makes his way back to Mike’s hospital room. Mike’s doctor is leaving and she gives him a solemn nod as they cross paths.

Rachel’s standing by Mike’s bed, tenderly brushing Mike’s hair from his face, and Harvey feels bad for intruding but he couldn’t stay away for any longer. He clears his throat and Rachel straightens, giving Harvey a weak smile as he enters the room.

Rachel sits down, takes Mike’s hand in hers. “Thanks for being here when I couldn’t be.”

Harvey nods. He didn’t know how to be anywhere else. “Did you have any trouble getting a flight home?”

“No,” Rachel says, shaking her head. “Thank God. I couldn’t have handled not making it straight back here. But luckily I made it to the airport in time for the red-eye.”

They lapse into silence then. There’s only the one chair, so Harvey stands in the middle of the room, feeling superfluous.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Rachel whispers. She looks up at Harvey and says, “I spoke to him just before he left the office. He was so _happy_.”

“About Alleyn’s donation?”

At Rachel’s nod Harvey smiles. “Yeah, he called me about it yesterday morning. He was so excited that he could finally hire on a psychologist like he’s wanted to since day one. He was already thinking of what changes they could make to their programs; full of a million ideas, like usual. He couldn’t wait to get started on it.”

“Look at him now,” Rachel says softly. Harvey watches as a tear slowly rolls down her cheek, but he doesn’t have it in him to go over there and comfort her. “He’s going to be okay, isn’t he?”

“Of course he is,” Harvey says, because he honestly can’t consider an alternative outcome. “He’s a fighter. He’s gonna get through this.”

“Yeah,” Rachel replies, but she doesn’t sound quite as convinced. “You must be exhausted. Why don’t you go home, get some rest?”

Harvey doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to set foot outside this hospital until Mike opens his eyes. But he acquiesces with a nod, if only because he doesn’t really feel like it’s his place to protest. Mike’s fiancée - his actual family - is here now, and he doesn’t really think she’d appreciate him insisting on staying.

“Call me if anything changes.”

“Of course.”

So Harvey reluctantly heads home. The city bubbles with life around him but he barely notices, his mind still back in that hospital room, and the never-ending feeling of shock, the disbelief that this is real, that it’s really happening to them.

When he gets home the first thing he does is strip out of his clothes and try to resist the urge to burn them. He lingers in the shower, the hot water and firm pressure feeling like relief on his sore body. He tries to eat but only gets a few bites into his bagel before he gives it up as a lost cause.

He collapses on the couch and spends ten minutes flicking through channels, not stopping on any of them for more than a few seconds. He doesn’t know what to do. He can’t just sit here and wait for a phone call that may never come.

Frailty, thy name is Harvey.

Harvey is up and out of the apartment without much forethought. He wanders the streets for a bit, the chilled air whipping at his face in a way that would normally aggravate him but today is nothing but refreshing. It isn’t a surprise when he ends up in front of Mike and Rachel’s apartment building, and he heads inside, waving at Tomas as he passes.

Harvey has a key to their apartment. Mike had pressed it into his palm one evening, back when they were still working together, joking about how he was sick of hearing Harvey’s open palm knock on his door every other day and to just use the key next time. Harvey had placed the key on his keyring and never used it; he knew Mike knew that Harvey would continue to knock no matter what, but he didn’t think the gesture was really about that anyway.

As soon as he walks in the door he knows what he needs to do. It doesn’t take long to locate the Curious George book, slightly well-worn in its old age, and Harvey trails his fingertips across the cover reverently. He thinks Mike might like having a piece of his parents nearby, and maybe if he and Rachel read the book to him his subconscious, however deeply buried, might hear the words and come back to them.

Come back to him.

The taxi ride to the hospital is unremarkable and Harvey makes his way up to Mike’s hospital room as though he’d made the journey a thousand times before. When he opens the door the first thing he sees is Rachel, crying. Harvey’s heart seizes in his chest, he can’t breathe, his mind screaming _please no, please no, please no_. He drops the book and the noise gets Rachel’s attention and she turns to Harvey, grinning bigger than he’s ever seen, and hope flares in Harvey’s chest. He looks over to Mike … and he’s awake.

Harvey quickly picks up the book and rushes into the room. He stops by Mike’s bed, desperate to reach out and touch but he doesn’t dare, not trusting himself to not completely fall apart from the touch.

Mike looks at him with wide eyes, and his gaze travels down Harvey’s body to the book in his hands. And then Mike smiles.

“Hey,” Mike says, voice low and hoarse from disuse, and it’s the best sound Harvey has ever heard.


	2. a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last

Traffic is so bad that Harvey ends up getting Ray to pull over a good five blocks early so he can just get out and walk the rest of the way. He turns his collar up against the bitter chill of wind as he hastens down the sidewalk, weaving in and out of the crowds as he makes his way to the restaurant.

Serrano's is a place they discovered by accident one day. Harvey was in the neighborhood for a client meeting, and to save time Mike met him there instead of at the office or his apartment so they could go out for drinks. Serrano's was an Italian restaurant on the next block over, and since it not only has delicious food but is almost exactly halfway between their offices it has become their go-to place when they want to go out for dinner.

It’s warm and inviting the moment Harvey walks through the door, and he quickly sheds his coat. The host offers to seat him, but Harvey says he’s meeting someone before stepping into the restaurant. Mike isn’t hard to find, and he winds his way through the busy tables to where Mike is sitting in a booth at the back of the room.

“Sorry I’m late,” Harvey says.

Mike looks up at him with a smile, standing and greeting Harvey with a warm hug. “Who understands better than me?” Mike says, and Harvey gives a rueful chuckle before they sit down.

Mike has ordered them drinks already, so Harvey picks up the glass and taps it lightly against Mike’s. “Cheers.”

“Cheers,” Mike says, and they take a sip of their drinks. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just a meeting that ran late.”

“Anyone I know?”

Harvey lets out a sigh. “Abel Magnuson.”

Mike cracks up laughing. Harvey rolls his eyes and lets Mike laugh it out. Mike knows all too well how much Magnuson gets on his nerves, not least of all because he has a tendency to offer his opinion and advice on literally any topic that comes up, because he knows everything about everything. Just ask him.

“So what was it today?” Mike asks, still laughing. “How to fix the homelessness crisis? The plight of the bees? Advocating for every single person to ride their bike to work regardless of their location, work dress code or physical abilities?”

Those were all topics Harvey and Mike had heard about at length over the years. But no, today it was, “How to solve the refugee crisis in three easy steps.”

“Ugh,” Mike moans with an eye roll, and Harvey knows it’s not because he doesn’t care about refugees - because he does - but because obviously the problem is way too complicated to be fixed in three easy steps, especially by someone who worked in corporate finance and not in immigration or advocacy or really any relevant field. “He’s so fucking preachy.”

“Tell me about it,” Harvey nods. “Not my favorite way to end the day.”

A waitress appears and asks what they’d like, and they place their orders without even looking at the menu.

When they’re alone again Harvey asks, “So how was your day? Better than mine I hope.”

Harvey had been undeniably hurt when Mike had turned down his offer to come work as a legal consultant at the firm, but he also wasn’t surprised. After the closing argument Mike had made at his trial Harvey knew it was a longshot at best. And truth be told, Mike was thriving in his new career, so Harvey couldn’t regret the decision too much, even if he did still miss working with Mike every day.

A little under eighteen months ago Mike decided he wanted to work with kids in the foster system. It wasn’t a leap to figure out why - if it wasn’t for Grammy that could well have been him - and so Harvey did whatever he could to help. In this case it was finding Mike a couple of investors, and between them Mike started his non-profit with a significant endowment. His focus is helping the kids going through the process of being fostered or adopted, supporting them emotionally, and helping both the children and their new families adapt to the change. They also provide counselling services for the kids new to the system, helping them transition to their new life and deal with the loss that brought them there. They liaise with various adoption agencies and foster homes in the city, running different workshops and educational programs, and his organization has grown in leaps and bounds. Mike now has three staff - a psychologist, a former social worker, and an elementary level teacher - to help create and run the programs, and thanks to Mike’s ability to endear himself and his passions to New York’s wealthiest, their programs are well funded and the staff well paid.

Mike absolutely loves it, and Harvey loves seeing Mike so happy in his work in a way he could never be as a lawyer.

“Well, I’ve been thinking about expanding, creating a new initiative,” Mike says, but for some reason he seems tentative and unsure about it. Since day one Mike hasn’t been tentative about any of his ideas for this undertaking. Even the ideas that didn’t pan out, he was still excited and enthusiastic about them at the start.

“Yeah? Tell me.”

Mike shifts forward in his seat, leaning his arms on the table. “These kids, Harvey. They’re incredible. But all the focus is on getting them adopted or fostered out. And that’s so important, don’t get me wrong, but in the meantime their lives are put on hold. Everything else suffers, especially their education. So I wanted to do something to help with that.”

“Something like what? Scholarships?”

“I’m not sure. Scholarships are definitely an option. Private tutoring is another one.”

“Did you want to target a particular age group…?”

They chat about Mike’s ideas over dinner. They’ve both long since admitted that they somehow manage to bring ideas and solutions out of each other in a way that no one else can, and it wasn’t something they were willing to give up just because they were no longer working together. So Harvey sometimes called Mike when he’s stuck on a case (all the details are hypothetical, of course) and Mike sometimes talks to Harvey when he’s trying to deal with the problems inherent with a new start up.

They eat and they talk, and though Mike is making a good show of it Harvey can tell that something is wrong. He can’t put his finger on what exactly, but every time Mike starts getting passionate or excited about his ideas he reins himself back in, like he’s not allowing himself to get ahead of himself. Mike’s never been like this before, is always unabashedly enthusiastic, and it worries Harvey. They go through the whole meal without Mike saying anything, so Harvey puts some notes on the table and says, “Feel like a walk?”

Mike lights up at the suggestion, and they bundle themselves up and head outside.

They pick a direction and walk. The streets are busy but not crowded, and by the time they’ve crossed the street a light snow has begun to fall. It’s the first snow of the season, and Mike tips his head up to the sky, smiling.

“I love New York at Christmas,” he says.

Harvey’s pretty sure Mike has said that multiple times every year since they’ve known each other. In the past he probably would’ve teased Mike about it, about somehow forgetting with his genius brain that he has told Harvey that several times already, but not this year. Not when they got so close to never seeing another festive season.

So instead Harvey just smiles and says, “Me too.”

Mike tips his head back down and smiles at Harvey for a moment, before knocking their shoulders together as he starts walking again. “So what are you doing for Christmas this year?”

“Marcus has asked me to go down and have Christmas with him and the kids.”

Mike lets out an exaggerated gasp. “But Harvey, they’re in …” and he looks around, like he’s worried someone is going to overhear and be utterly scandalized, “ _Florida_.”

Harvey laughs. He knows not having a white (or at least, a winter) Christmas is completely antithetical to who Mike is as a person, but Marcus is the only family Harvey really has. And really, he was supposed to fly down there last Christmas, but with Mike’s accident Harvey couldn’t bear to leave. Marcus, being the amazing little brother that he was, completely understood, but Harvey knows that Marcus missed having Harvey there as much as Harvey missed being away from his brother.

“You should just come spend the day with Rachel and me,” Mike says, and then in a slightly darker tone he adds, “We might get through the day okay if you’re there.”

And Harvey can’t resist anymore. “Okay, so are you ever going to tell me what’s bothering you, or should I start guessing?”

Mike huffs out a quick laugh, but it’s completely without humor. “That obvious huh?”

“Only for those of us with functioning eyes,” Harvey says, and the joke has its intended effect. Mike’s lips quirk into a smile and his shoulders fall, as though even just the act of admitting something is wrong has lifted a weight from them.

“It’s Rachel,” Mike admits, and Harvey tenses slightly. “Jessica called her the other day to offer her a job. You of all people know that after her Innocence Project case Rachel hasn’t really had the love of corporate law that she used to, so Jessica offered Rachel a job at her firm.”

“In Chicago,” Harvey says, understanding.

Mike nods. “She wants to take it. And she wants me to go with her.”

“Oh.” Harvey of a few years ago would’ve immediately started to panic, his abandonment issues always too close to the surface. But the tone of Mike’s voice, hesitant and anxious, gives Harvey hope. “So you don’t want to go?” he asks tentatively.

“Of course not,” Mike says, and it’s the most declarative Harvey has heard Mike all night. He lets out a sigh and says, “I have this amazing job, which I _love_ , Harvey. I never thought I’d find something that I loved as much as being a lawyer, but I have, and I don’t want to give that up.”

“You might not have to,” Harvey points out. “You could expand the organization to Chicago.”

“I know. But New York is my home. And Chicago doesn’t have…” Mike looks away then, becomes very interested in the sidewalk ahead of them.

“Doesn’t have what?” Harvey can’t help but ask. Push till it hurts.

“You,” Mike admits softly. “Chicago doesn’t have you.” And before Harvey can respond to that, before he can really start processing it, Mike continues on in a rush. “I should go with her, I know that. I owe her that much. We’ve been through so much together, and she stayed by my side when I was in prison, even when it was detrimental to her own career. I should want to do this for her, shouldn’t I? She is my fiancée, after all.”

“But not your wife,” Harvey says, even though he immediately chastises himself for it. He’d promised himself that he’d never let his feelings get in the way, that he wouldn’t try and bring Rachel down just because he was in love with Mike, and this, this was edging up to that line.

But still, it feels like a pertinent fact. Mike and Rachel aren’t married. Mike bailed on their wedding day to turn himself in, and in the two years since he’s gotten out he’s never once mentioned wanting to actually marry Rachel. Maybe there’s a reason for that.

Mike nods but doesn’t say anything. Harvey doesn’t push the point. Although Mike doesn’t talk to Harvey a lot about it - Harvey’s never been able to work out why, since they talk about pretty much everything else - he knows Mike and Rachel have had more than their fair share of problems with their relationship this past year. If he knows Mike at all, and he thinks that he does, then Mike is probably looking at this as their make or break moment. He can commit to Rachel, actively work on their problems, move to Chicago and get married and be together. Or this could be the final straw for them.

Harvey recognizes that it’s the most selfish thing he’s ever wanted, but he wants Mike to stay. He’d been so scared when Mike had turned down his job offer that their relationship couldn’t sustain outside of the office walls, but that hasn’t been the case at all. Despite their long days and busy lives they’ve managed to find the time for each other, and their relationship isn’t the same as before, it’s better. It’s evolved into something new but just as important as it’s always been, and Harvey can’t picture his life without Mike in it. He doesn’t want to.

“How long do you have to decide?” Harvey asks softly.

“Rachel will really need to tell Jessica her decision by the start of January, so we’ll need to decide by then.”

Harvey nods absently. Less than a month and everything could change. And if Mike says yes, if he leaves, Harvey will be away when it happens. He won’t even get to say goodbye. “Well, if you want to talk it through with someone…”

Mike smiles weakly at him. “Thanks, Harvey.”

“And hey, you’re welcome to come join me in Florida for New Year’s if you decide you wanna get out of town,” Harvey offers, the _if you break up and need to get out of the apartment you both lived in_ going unspoken but no doubt heard.

That gets a laugh out of Mike. “I’ll let you know.”

Mike asks if he’s seen the trailer for the latest Jennifer Lawrence movie in an obvious change of topic, and he tells Mike he hasn’t - even though he has - just so Mike will leap into a detailed and excited explanation of the movie’s apparent plot. Conversation flows easily, as it always does, and since they seem to be heading in a southerly direction they make a point to steer their feet towards Mike’s apartment. The snow, which has been falling lightly the whole time, finally relents, and Mike turns his face skyward, frowning.

“Don’t worry,” Harvey chuckles, “there will be plenty more snowfall coming up.”

They turn the corner onto Mike’s street, and Mike says, his voice strangely tense, “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Harvey says immediately, his mind going in ten different directions, trying to figure out what could be wrong.

“Last year, when I was in the hospital…” Mike trails off, and Harvey steels himself. Mike _never_ talks about the accident, so he has no idea why he’s bringing it up now and it makes him apprehensive. “Did we have a conversation about watching While You Were Sleeping together?”

That wasn’t what Harvey was expecting. “Why do you ask?”

“I had this random thought the other day, like a fuzzy memory of us talking about it, but I couldn’t remember if it was real or if I dreamt it or something.”

The only time Mike has ever spoken about the accident to Harvey was about a month after it happened, when they had a meeting about the case Harvey had brought against the driver. Luckily there were multiple witnesses and a competent policewoman on the case, because Mike had admitted that he didn’t remember much, both from the day of the accident and the few days that followed. Though he fully recovered in every other way, the gaps in his memory had rankled him, which was unsurprising given the vast array of information Mike could normally recall at the drop of a hat.

Mike’s heretofore insistence on not talking about what happened made the fact that he had brought the topic up now all the more surprising. And since he had asked the question, Harvey figures he deserves a real answer.

“I … uh, I talked to you about it, while you were…” Harvey can’t say the word, and he gets now why Mike doesn’t like talking about it. It’s like he’s suddenly there again, sitting by Mike’s bed and praying to a God he doesn’t believe in for Mike to wake up. Mike nods like he understands, and Harvey says, “I confessed to you that I’d watched it, and I said maybe we should watch it together some day.”

“Huh,” Mike says, but there is something in the way that he’s looking at Harvey that makes him think there is a lot of thought beyond that one syllable. Harvey doesn’t know what’s going on in Mike’s mind, but since his lips are quirking up slightly at the edges he’s not too worried about it.

“Goodnight Harvey,” Mike says, and he turns and heads inside.

Harvey hadn’t even realized they’d made it to Mike’s building.


	3. this is my December, these are my snow covered dreams

It’s been snowing heavily for almost three days straight. Harvey cancelled all non-essential meetings the last few days to avoid going out into the weather, but unfortunately one of his clients apparently didn’t get the memo and calls in a panic on a Saturday morning. Still, he drags himself out into the ten degree weather and meets with Sison across town. It takes far too long for Harvey’s liking, but he manages to fix the problem without leaving Sison’s building. Thank you modern technology.

It’s not the best start to his weekend, and the drive home takes three times longer than normal because people just can’t deal with inclement weather. But it’s done now and short of Louis making another ridiculous attempt at becoming managing partner Harvey has decided to put a moratorium on any more work this weekend.

When he makes it home to his apartment the first thing he does is get the fireplace going. He then takes a hot shower, changes into well-worn jeans and a long sleeve henley, and texts Mike. _If you don’t want to venture out into the weather I understand._

The reply is almost instantaneous. _Dude, don’t even. I need to get out of the office and I can hear your apartment calling my name from here. Be there soon._

Harvey smiles at the message before putting the phone aside and heading to the well-stocked kitchen. As soon as he’d heard about the approaching weather he’d made sure to stock up; not in a ‘the world is ending I’m going to buy ten gallons of water’ way, he just made sure he had all the food and drinks he might possibly want so he didn’t have to venture out just because he had a craving for Rold Gold Peppermint Dipped Snowflake Pretzels (which of course has absolutely never happened before). He pulls a few ingredients out and quickly assembles something to eat, hoping it will quell his growling stomach.

After he’s finished eating Harvey puts on some music - not of the Christmas variety, he was already sick of hearing the same ten songs over and over again - and camps out in front of the fireplace. For a brief moment he thinks about doing some research for the Treacy lawsuit before he remembers his self-imposed no work rule, and he instead grabs his iPad and starts playing one of the card game apps he has installed (today it’s spider solitaire).

He has no idea how long he sits there, whiling away the time, but it’s Mike loudly and excitedly entering the apartment that pulls him away. Harvey puts the device aside and meets Mike at the kitchen counter. He’s placing a bag he brought over on the countertop and pulling off a damp beanie. His coat and scarf are wet too, and when Harvey glances through the windows he sees the snow is still falling.

“Hey,” Mike says, grinning widely.

He’s practically bouncing with excitement and Harvey can’t help his indulgent smile. “You’re the only person I know who gets happier the worse the weather gets.”

Mike shrugs. ”It’s not that bad.” At Harvey’s dry look Mike adds, “I guess it reminds me of when I was a kid, you know? Before we moved into the city, as soon as it started snowing my parents would rush out into the backyard and dance around in the snowfall.” Mike smiles then, the shy smile of someone lost in a memory they hadn’t thought about in a long time. “They were obsessed with snowmen,” Mike tells him. “I have no idea why, but they would make them whenever they could. They were pretty good at them actually. I remember the year before we moved into the city they made a Mickey Mouse snowman. It was the coolest thing I’d ever seen.”

Harvey will never not feel touched by Mike sharing something about his parents with him. For as much as he loves and misses them, Mike doesn’t talk about them often, and Harvey carefully files away any mention Mike makes of them like the treasures they are.

“Hey Mike,” Harvey says, and Mike raises an eyebrow at him. “Wanna build a snowman?”

Mike cracks up laughing. “Holy shit, you’ve actually seen Frozen?”

“No, but I also haven’t been living under a rock for the last few years.”

When Mike finally stops laughing he glances out the window. “Really?” he asks hopefully, and when Harvey nods he lights up like a kid in a candy store. Mike immediately grabs his beanie and gloves off the counter, and Harvey departs for his bedroom to get layered up for the cold.

“Where we off to?” Mike asks, and Harvey just grins at him, crossing the room and opening his balcony door.

He hasn’t been on his balcony since it started snowing and so the entire space - including the thick balustrade - is covered in inches of fresh, virgin snow. They won’t be able to make anything too big, but it should serve their purposes.

Mike dives right in, kneeling in the snow and scooping together handfuls of it to press into a snowball. The snow isn’t really icy enough but they make do, trying to both help and hinder each other in their efforts, their laughter visible as puffs of air. The final results are passable - well, Harvey’s is passable, unsurprisingly Mike’s is much better - the two wonky mini snowmen barely a foot tall but still adorable. Harvey pulls his cell from his pocket and takes a photo of their handiwork, making vague plans to set it as Mike’s contact photo in his phone.

“I think they looks pretty good,” Harvey says with a nod.

Mike smiles at him, all big eyes and rosy cheeks. “I haven’t done this in forever, since before Grammy died.”

That surprises Harvey. He was certain he and Rachel must’ve done this together; between Mike’s love of winter and his constant tiptoeing the line of hipsterdom, he was sure they would’ve spent many a winter day creating snowmen while artfully instagramming every stage. He wants to ask why not, why he never did something he obviously loves with Rachel, but Mike hasn’t spoken much about her since she moved to Chicago and they ended things after two months of trying to make things work long distance. Harvey was never one to voluntarily bring up Rachel in any conversation before, he certainly wasn’t starting now.

“I’m glad we did this,” Harvey says, and Mike comes to stand beside him, their arms brushing as he looks at their masterpieces.

“Me too.”

“Come on,” Harvey says, knocking their shoulders together before turning to head inside with a, “let’s get out of the cold.”

Mike salutes their snowmen before following him inside. Once inside they strip off their coats, and Harvey hangs them both by the door.

“Do you want a shower to warm up?” Harvey asks as he walks back, thinking about Mike trekking over here in the cold before they went outside again for their snowmen adventure. Mike’s new place was much closer to Harvey’s than his old apartment was, which was good in some ways, but it was so close Mike would pretty much always walk over, regardless of the weather. He must be freezing.

But Mike just shakes his head, instead reaching out to the bag he left here earlier and dragging it across the counter to Harvey. “Here,” he says, smiling. “I got you something.”

More than a little surprised, Harvey reaches into the bag. “Christmas isn’t for three weeks,” Harvey teases.

“And this isn't your Christmas present,” Mike returns.

Harvey pulls his non-Christmas present from the bag, grateful for the excuse to look away from Mike and his too bright expression. It’s a DVD of While You Were Sleeping, complete with a metallic bow in the top right corner. Harvey laughs out loud when he sees it, and when he looks up Mike is already smiling.

“Surprised you bought an actual DVD and didn’t just want to stream it,” Harvey says.

Mike gestures around, to the record player in the corner and the newspaper on the dining table, and says, “You’re old school.”

“Not old school, just … classic. Old school would probably involve VHS and Atari.”

“Honestly, at this point if you told me you had a VHS I wouldn’t even blink,” Mike grins.

Harvey rolls his eyes good naturedly at Mike, then returns his gaze down to the DVD. It’s just a movie, he probably picked it up from Target for ten bucks, and all things considered it shouldn’t feel as significant as it does. But as ridiculous as it is, this is something literally years in the making, and Harvey feels almost overwhelmed by all the potential that still lies in wait between them. Some of it may eventuate, some of it probably never will, but holding this movie in his hands, a tangible piece of something they’ve talked about for years, it causes little sparks of hope to dance upon his skin.

“You wanna watch it?”

“Actually…” Mike’s expression is half shy half sinful. “I had a different idea.”

And with no further ado Mike disappears down the hallway. Harvey watches him go, curiosity and amusement keeping him frozen in place, and a few moments later Mike returns, arms laden with blankets and pillows from the guest room (Mike refers to it as his bedroom, and since Mike is the only one to use it on a regular basis Harvey doesn’t have much space to argue). Harvey’s confused for a moment, until Mike starts pushing the chairs in front of the fireplace back, clearing a space.

“Are you making a blanket fort?” he asks, amused.

Mike doesn’t respond apart from a quick smile thrown over his shoulder as he works. He lays the blankets on the floor, and understanding where he’s going with this, Harvey leaves Mike to finish up, instead heading to the kitchen to get them some drinks. He grabs a couple of water bottles to start, and then heads to the cupboards, pulling bags of different snack food. On a whim he grabs a bag of marshmallows, which he only bought because Mike fucking loves marshmallows, and then he digs through his drawers to find some long forgotten fondue sticks that he still doesn’t know how he ended up with. It takes so long to find them - buried in a cupboard behind a roll of saran wrap, he really should’ve just given up - that by the time he’s done Mike has made a second trip into the apartment for more blankets and pillows. Harvey doesn’t know if it’s more of a blanket fort or a nest, but whatever it is it looks amazing, especially with Mike lying down on the soft looking bed.

Harvey carries over their drinks and snacks, managing to bring everything over in one go. He scatters them around the edges of the blankets and sits in the space clearly left for him. When he looks down at Mike he finds Mike lying there with his eyes closed, looking utterly relaxed. He itches to reach out and touch, to run his fingers through Mike’s hair, to lean down and kiss him like this was a fairytale and Mike was sleeping beauty. The sheer ridiculousness of the thought manages to stop him, and instead he lies down, resting his head on the pillow Mike has left for him. The warmth of the fireplace feels nice on his skin, and Mike has set them up close enough to the fireplace to feel the heat but not so close that they’ll be overwhelmed by it.

“Tired?” Harvey asks, his voice softer than it probably needs to be.

Mike nods, shifting over onto his side so he’s facing Harvey, even though his eyes are still closed. “This party is going to be the death of me.”

‘This party’ is a black tie holiday season fundraiser he’s been planning for months, and what he was working on at the office this morning before coming over. It’s by far and away the biggest event Mike’s non-profit has put on, and he’s used every inch of the expansive network he created while working with Harvey to try and make it as successful and profitable as possible. He has an amazing venue and the best catering and the cream of New York society coming, all in the hopes of raising funds for their education programs. Harvey had been less surprised than Mike that the contacts he’d made while working as a lawyer still wanted anything to do with him - Mike might’ve been a fraud, but he was also the most genuine person Harvey had ever met, and this was a sentiment shared by clients and contacts alike. Mike is going to raise millions, Harvey’s sure of it, and he can think of no one more deserving.

“It’ll be worth it,” Harvey reminds him, as he’s done every time Mike has freaked out about something going wrong during the extensive planning process.

“I’ll be so glad when it’s over,” Mike grumbles. Harvey chuckles lightly, knowing that Mike isn’t complaining because he’s not interested in dealing with it anymore but because he’s worrying over every tiny detail, trying to make sure everything is perfect so the night is a success. Mike has brought that same level of dedication and passion to every facet of his non-profit, and it has paid off in kind. They’ve been steadily growing and expanding since day one, and Harvey thinks that if this fundraiser does well - which he’s sure it will - then they could really start taking things to the next level.

Harvey is so fucking proud.

Mike opens his eyes and looks across at Harvey nervously. “You’re still coming, right?”

Harvey smiles softly. “An army couldn’t keep me away,” he says, and Mike lets out a shaky breath of relief, as though he had genuinely been concerned that Harvey had suddenly changed his mind about coming and just forgot to tell him. He’s started doing things like that lately - double checking their plans to make sure Harvey isn’t going to bail on him - and Harvey sometimes wonders if his abandonment issues are contagious.

“Here,” Harvey says, sitting up and reaching behind him. “This’ll get your mind off things.” He grabs the packet of marshmallows and the fondue sticks and holds them up for Mike to see.

Mike’s face brightens with lightning speed as he sits up, making grabby hands. Harvey happily hands them over. “Did you go buy marshmallows for us to roast?”

“Well, to be fair, I thought we were going to spend this afternoon on the couch watching movies, not camping out in front of the fireplace. But yeah, I got them for you.”

“Oh my God, I love you,” Mike says, easily, like those three little words have passed his lips every day of his life, and Harvey’s heart seizes in his chest. And just as his mind is processing, rationalizing, and ultimately dismissing the words as something Mike didn’t mean, not like that anyway, Mike’s face twists in realization and he looks over at Harvey, panicked. “Fuck. I’m sorry,” he says in a rush, looking mortified. “Just ignore that. I promise I won’t let my feelings get in the way of our friendship. I mean, they haven’t yet, have they, and it’s been months since I-”

“ _Mike_ ,” Harvey says, reaching out and putting his hand on Mike’s to stop the rambling. It works, and Mike sits there silently, looking at Harvey with a mixture of fear and hope. It’s a feeling Harvey knows all too well. From the moment he realized his feelings for Mike were more than just friendship it had been a constant tug of war, the hope that maybe one day Mike might return those feelings, and the fear that he could reject them just as easily. “Are you telling me that-”

“I’m stupidly in love with you? Yeah,” Mike ducks his head, “yeah I am.”

The thing of it is, Harvey never really planned for this moment. As ridiculous as that sounds, he never once entertained the idea that maybe Mike might return those feelings and accidentally blurt them out one random Saturday in December.

From the moment Harvey, six years old and playing with his dad in the backyard, picked up a baseball bat he was constantly forward planning. Baseball was his future. When that didn’t work out the plan was get a job and stand on his own. Then it was law school. Junior Partner. Senior Partner. Name Partner. Managing Partner. He’s always had goals and plans and a path.

And then he met Mike, and that was the one thing in his whole life that he never planned for.

Harvey hired a fraud with no back up plan for if someone found out their secret. When Jessica found out and miraculously didn’t turn them in, he still didn’t make any plans for when someone else discovered the truth. When several people were complicit he never made a plan for if the authorities found out.

Everything changed when he met Mike. All his plans became inconsequential. And as he sits here, on some layered blankets in front of his fireplace, across from the one person he never thought would return his feelings, he’s never felt the weight of that more.

Harvey reaches over with a trembling hand, hooking his fingers under Mike’s chin and guiding his face up to look at him. He looks like he’s bracing himself for the inevitable, like he just wants Harvey to get the rejection over. Harvey leans in, oh so slowly, because despite Mike’s declaration Harvey isn’t taking anything for granted.

He might not have planned for this moment, but that doesn’t mean he can’t recognize its significance.

Harvey’s fingers slide into the short hairs at the nape of Mike’s neck as the distance between them decreases. Their mouths slot together easily. It’s a simple act, over in a few moments, but it spins their world on its axis. Harvey pulls back but a scant distance, still so close he can feel Mike’s breath on his lips, and he whispers, “Mike, you’re the only person I’ve ever loved.”

Mike kisses him then. It’s slow, every infinitesimal movement of their lips feeling utterly significant. Harvey, who is not normally a patient man, is in no rush. It’s the most innocent embrace he’s ever had, and it takes several moments to even think about deepening the kiss. But then he does, his tongue slowly coaxing Mike’s mouth open, and the wet warmth is a feeling he’d never be able to describe.

But then Mike pulls back, a confused look on his face. Harvey’s emotions are too close to the surface and he panics, thinking he’d misinterpreted everything, scared that he’s just fucked up the best thing in his life. He drops his hand from Mike’s neck and pulls back slightly.

“Is everything okay?” he asks, terrified of the answer.

“Yeah,” Mike says. He’s not looking at Harvey, just staring off into the distance like he’s trying to solve a complicated math puzzle in his head. “Yeah, it’s just, I don’t know. Just had this weird sense of deja vu or something.”

He shrugs, looking back up at Harvey. Before Harvey has the time to process what he’s said, Mike is grinning and lurching forward, knocking Harvey backwards in his enthusiasm. They’re both laughing, Mike sprawled over Harvey, a packet of pretzel M&Ms digging into the small of Harvey’s back. He doesn’t care, not when Mike is kissing him again, like it’s the only thing he ever wants to do.

Kissing Mike is like experiencing complete and unbridled joy. Their mouths move in perfect rhythm and Mike’s body is a comforting weight on his own and he knows that in this moment it was all worth it. All the drama and angst and waiting, every second of it was worth it to be able to have this.

Harvey slips a hand beneath Mike’s tee, finding his skin surprisingly warm given Mike’s extended time out in the winter chill, and he runs his fingertips along the small of his back, up his spine. He has just started making vague plans to get Mike out of the material when Mike pulls back, more breathless than the situation really calls for, pushing up on his hands so he’s hovering over Harvey and saying, “Wait.”

“What is it?”

“It’s not that I’m not interested in seeing this through to its natural conclusion, but…” Mike lets out a breath, his head falling down before he climbs off Harvey. He grabs the pillow he was using before, pulling it close to Harvey and lying down on his side. Harvey follows suit, grabbing his pillow and turning to face Mike. They’re close enough to touch, and Mike does, tangling their fingers together. “I think … I’d like us to take things slow. If that’s okay with you. It’s just, by the time Rachel and I got together we rushed into things too fast, before we were ready. And we all know how that turned out. I don’t want that to happen to us, Harvey. I want us to last. I want this to be it for me.”

Harvey nods, leaning forward and brushing a kiss against Mike’s lips. “I can tell you, without a doubt, that you’re _the one_. I’m never going to love anyone the way I love you. So yes, of course, let’s take this as slow as you want. There’s no rush when we have our whole lives to be together.”

Mike grins, a slow and shy thing that spreads over his face and seems to light him from the inside. He curls forward, burying his face in Harvey’s chest, and Harvey wraps a protective arm around him, holding him in place.

He looks over Mike’s shoulder, to the still falling snow outside, and says, “It’s looking pretty bad out there.”

“Yeah?” is Mike’s muffled reply.

“Yeah. Who knows when this snow will let up. You might just have to stay here forever.”

Harvey can’t see it, but he can practically feel Mike’s smile in return. Mike looks up at him then, his chin pressing into Harvey’s chest, the smile Harvey knew was there brightening Mike’s face. “What did we say about taking it slow?”

Harvey chuckles. “Yeah, you’re right. Don’t want to rush things. In fact, maybe you should just leave now before things get too out of control. Don’t want-”

Mike rushes forward and kisses him. They’re laughing against each other’s mouths, and Mike whispers, “Can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Harvey thinks about saying  _ good  _ or something equally inane, but decides kissing Mike is putting his mouth to much better use.

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this before Patrick and Troian's [fort day wedding](https://www.instagram.com/p/BN5c_2BDDz9/?taken-by=halfadams&hl=en) but I kinda love the symmetry of Harvey and Mike getting together on a blanket fort when that's how PJA and Troian got together. :)
> 
> Chapter titles are from songs:  
> Winter Song by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson  
> A Long December by Counting Crows  
> My December by Linkin Park
> 
> [tumblr](http://tattooedsiren.tumblr.com/) if you wanna say hi. :O)


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